Updated: Jun 14, 2019
So...I graduate tomorrow. I don’t know what to do with myself.
This is a serious problem. I’m going to the senior luncheon today, graduation tomorrow and graduation parties and open houses for the next few weekends (seriously, I’ve got at least seven Sunday), but then? Nothing. Some babysitting here and there. I don’t even have a job lined up! In this severe lack of plans, I have made a list of things for me to do when I get bored of doing nothing:
- Read: I’m only at 62/107 of my Goodreads goal! I have fourteen books on loan from the library...
- Work on my sudoku book: I plan to have in finished by the end of the summer
- Write: I’m working on a book. It is...trying.
- Learn French: It’s so I can read comics. Apparently, the French comics scene is nuts.
That’s it. That’s all I’ve got. I sound like such a boring person. I promise I’m fun!
On a more serious note, here’s something I’ve been trying to avoid talking or thinking about for a while now. I’m going to college. I am terrified. And excited? Mainly panicky.
Mom says I’ll “grow into myself” at college. I’m not entirely sure what this means, but I’m hoping it doesn’t include getting taller. I stand at 5’6, a whopping four inches taller than my mom, and am the tallest girl in my family, at least until Freya gets older. I can properly reach the top shelf, my feet already hang off of the end of the bed if I slip below my pillow, all my jeans already end above my ankles (I’d rather not spend the rest of my life politely chuckling at “where’s the flood?” It’s not funny, guys. Long Legs Syndrome is a serious epidemic. (Check out my Go Fund Me), and I’m just a hair shorter than most low-hanging doorways, including the one in my basement. I am hoping that it means my hips fill out. Seriously. My hips are so nonexistent, there’s literally an indent where they’re supposed to be. It’s ridiculous.
Another ridiculous thing: I am almost certainly going to cry tomorrow. I’m not even really sure whether they’ll be sad or happy tears. On the one hand, I have spent eight hours a day in one building for the past four years, with the same people, and that’s really hard to leave. It feels like a big, weird sort of family with lots of estranged members I don’t remember the names of. On the other hand, I did not like high school. At all. I felt constrained and bored, and I haven’t particularly cared since sophomore year. I think I used up all of my caring in freshman year. I don’t know. I think part of it may be just plain old fear. I think I’m scared of growing up and letting go of a system that I’ve grown accustomed to over the past twelve years of my life. The freedom and responsibility of it all is overwhelming.
Those are definitely the things I’m looking forward to, though. I cannot wait to have a schedule that is suited entirely with my future in mind, and that I have the responsibility of following on my own. I think that makes it more exciting! I can make new friends and find more people similar to myself on a campus of 5,000 than a building of 200. There will be a lot of firsts, too: first time taking out a loan, first time living away from family, first time having a roommate. I’ll be doing my own laundry, buying my own meals, and taking care of my own paperwork. I can’t believe I’m excited to be doing paperwork and laundry.
I expected this to be sadder. I guess writing this out just made me realize how good of a thing this will be.