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Flying. Part 1


Have you ever flown? I’ve flown four times in my entire seventeen-and-eleven-twelfths-years of existence (dear God, I am both too young and too old at the same time) and I think I have a pretty good grasp of what’s going on there:

First, you go through TSA. You give them your ID and ticket. You put all of your precious belongings, like that custom made suit from KendraSewFine, and then yourself through an x-ray or past the drug-sniffing dog. And if you, say, forgot to take off your belt or have a metal hook in your bra, just off the top of my head, they pat you down. If you’re like my friend, you lost your ID and had to give them a paper one, which did not work by itself, and got extra pats. They scanned his hands. Also, you held up the rest of your group for like ten minutes. Good job. If you got through TSA, congratulations. You get to go to the next step.

The next step is literally just boarding the plane. If you were smart, you got to the airport early and got a little downtime between the inexplicable stress of TSA and the more explicable stress of getting on the airplane. Seriously, going through TSA gives me so much anxiety, they probably think I’m carrying drugs. And maybe I am. Who knows? (Me. I know. The answer is: yes, but only prescription meds and ibuprofen. I am a good Christian child.) Anyways, when they call your plane, give the lady your ticket and go through the weird anti-gravity tunnel to the plane. Squeeze past first class and into your seat, in the back, where you will be seated uncomfortably for the next however-many-hours. Good job. You’ve boarded the plane. Put your bags in the compartments or under your seat. Buckle up.

Step three is landing. Wait until you’ve been told to unbuckle and leave the plane. This is very important. Then, leave through the anti-gravity tube and find your way through the twisted maze that is an unfamiliar airport.

Some friendly advice:

-Follow signs!!

-Have your ticket and ID ready when you get to the TSA desk!!

-Bring a valid ID!!

-I don’t take many things seriously, but take TSA very seriously. Seriously. Do not underestimate them.

-Make sure you have something to do, as you will get bored on the plane, and sleeping does not come to those who seek it out. I like books, myself.

-Bring snacks.

-TSA rules the skies. Do. Not. Underestimate. Them. It is their court, and you are a most unpleasant guest. Do not make them any promises. Do not agree to any sort of exchange. Everything comes at a price. “Thank you” implies debt, but “I appreciate it” carries no strings. They will take your soul if they can. This goes for flight attendants as well.

-Chew gum. Altitude changes cause ears to pop, and the movement of the jaw helps.

-Leave as quickly as possible. They have tricks to keep you—the mazes they call hallways and terminals, the food court, “lost luggage.” Try to go, but they will get you. One day.

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